Dead

Hey everyone, I'm back. Sorry I haven't been posting, but I had a crappy week. Oh yeah....thanks to everyone who sent well wishes. They helped a lot.
As for my last post..... I was going to type a long explanation about my deceased uncle, and why I felt weird about his passing. I'll give you the short version. He wasn't a nice person. He had a lot of bad habits, that left me thinking that he got what he deserved.

That was last week though. Since then, my anger towards him has faded. There's really no point in being mad. He was family, and I loved him. I wish things would have been different. I wish that he could have been a different person. I wish that I would've had the heart to contact him before he died of prostate cancer. I honestly didn't think he was going to die so soon though.

His death turned the whole family upside down. Caused a lot of in-fighting, and just general drama. I can't wait for things to get back to normal.

Yeah........I'm done. Next post won't take so long I promise.


Peace

Family

My uncle died yesterday.

He was my mothers only sibling.

I feel weird.

I'll explain later.

What Kind Of Bird Don't Fly?

A Jailbird!!!!!

Sorry, lol! Sorry, that's joke I heard my uncle Sly (G-o rest his soul) tell his son when he went to visit him in jail a long time ago. Still makes me laugh to this day because, well....how could you say that to your locked-up son? LOL! Ahhhhhh, family.

This is another Manny post. I wasn’t going to post about him anymore, since I really don’t want to have much to do with him, but I decided to share this with y’all. Click here for a recap.

Over the weekend, I received two letters from Manny.

They made me think of how horrible life in prison is. If I wasn’t already on the right path, his letters would have quickly steered me there. If you know anyone that is leaning towards the criminal lifestyle..........tell them about this. Tell them about how prison is about the reduction of a person. Tell them how it’s about loosing just about every right you have. Some you didn’t even know were important to you.


1. Right to be healthy.
So, the first letter made my skin crawl. I threw it away so I will have to para-phrase. It starts off..........

“HEY SWEETIE. I’M HAVING A REALLY BAD DAY. THEY HAVE ME UP HERE WITH AN OUTBREAK MONKEY. MY CELL MATE HAD BEEN SICK FOR WEEKS. HE KEPT ASKING FOR A MED-SLIP TO REQUEST A TRIP TO THE INFIRMARY. EVERYTIME HE ASKED THE GUARDS FOR ONE THOUGH, THEY SAID THEY WERE “ALL OUT”. I GAVE HIM A PIECE OF MY PAPER, AND TOLD HIM TO WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING THAT’S WRONG WITH HIM – THEN HAND IT IN TO THE WARDEN. WELL NIC…HE DID, AND TWO DAYS LATER THEY PULLED HIM OUT OF HERE. THE MEN THAT TOOK HIM AWAY HAD ON FULL BODY DISPOSABLE SUITS. LATER ON THAT DAY THEY GOT ON THE INTER-COM AND TOLD ME TO TALE OFF EVERYTHING INCLUDING MY UNDERWEAR. I WOULD BE LEAVING THAT CELL. I ASKED THEM WHAT WAS WRONG WITH MY CELLIE, BUT THEY WOULD NOT TELL ME. MAMI, I DON’T KNOW IF THE BOY HAD SCABIES, TB, OR HEPATITIS. THIS NI**A HAD TO BE CONTAGIOUS OR SOMETHING FOR THEM TO MAKE ME LEAVE ALL OF MY STUFF BEHIND. IF SOMETHING SHOULD HAPPEN TO ME THE BOY’S NAME IS RAYMOND ********* AND HIS INMATE NUMBER IS ********.”

Sorry about all of the caps, but that’s how he writes. People…..that was the first of a four page letter. I did not even finish the rest of the letter. Those of you who have been reading this blog for a long time might remember that one of the only things I am scared of on this earth are mold…. bacteria and germs. That’s right folks. I am a serious germ-a-phobe. So you can imagine my horror, as I’m sitting at my kitchen table (WHERE I EAT!!!!) reading this possibly contaminated letter.
I got right the fuck up and threw it in the trash, along with the envelope. Dude............... send that kind of stuff to your lawyer.......or a HAZMAT team. I’m itching just thinking about it. Anyhoooooo, I got up and washed my hands off…..TWICE! Then I went about the task of sterilizing everything in the kitchen. Bet he didn’t think there was a possibility he’d turn into this while in prison.

2. Right to keep friends.
Oooh! He just don’t know!............I was soooooo pissed that he sent me that germy letter. Words can’t explain how grossed out, and upset I was. I had to just keep reminding myself that he didn’t mean to put me in harms way. He’s just probably scared and lonely. But really!!!!!! I DON’T WANT TO READ THAT SHIT!!!!! I always said that if a friend of mine, or a family member were to get locked up, I would not write or visit. I’ve just always been like that. With him, I tried to hang in there, but I’m quickly loosing all motivation.

3. Right not to be bored!
On Sunday I decided to check the mail box again. (Checking for a letter from the PPD). What did I see?!?!?!?!? Another letter from the jail bird.
After holding it up to the sun and thinking things over, I opened it. I only did it because I saw something that looked like stationary heading through the envelope. I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t a letter saying

“I’m in the infirmary...............dying”

Not wanting to take any chances I put on a pair of disposable gloves and went outside with the letter. And do you know what it was?
This fool sent me a written out list of his top 100 favorite songs. They were all slow jams. At the top of the list he wrote....

“SAVE THIS FOR ME!”

He has to be bored out of his mind to do this, and then to send it to me thinking I give a damn. He must really be losing his mind up there. What a way to go. Guess he should have been thinking bout that instead of breaking the law.

So, for anyone who thinks that their tough and that jail would be a piece of cake because they can hold their own in a fight…..think again. There are other factors to take into consideration.

I hope I did'nt offend anyone who might have spent time in jail or prison. Just wanted to share this story with you. Consider it my PSA. Hope this motivates people to stay on the right path and out of jail. It motivated me!

Peace.

Quickie

Just wanted to take the time to say that I really appreciate everyone who posted a comment on my last entry. Y'all made it my absolute favorite post so far. Reading your "I would love it, if......" responses really made my day.

Who knew something so simple could be so therapeutic?
I loved reading, and responding to all of your comments. Hope y'all had fun too



And as always,
Peace.

I Would Love It, If.......

I would love it, if two people..........just two people on the expressway knew how to drive this morning!


I would love it, if I could figure out why/how my boss is taking another week long vacation!


I would love it, if the price of gas wasn't stuck at "WHAT THE F***!!!!".


I would love it.............. if the man I dreamt about last night, was real!

I would love it, if it would love me.

What would you love?





Peace

An Interesting Conversation

This is random, but I wanted to share with you what I go through on a pretty regular basis with my mother. The following is a conversation I had with her a few days ago over a quick/light dinner of "Gorton's fish sticks". For any of you that don't already know...my mother is not quite right. She suffers from severe depression, and a bunch of other things. If one were to ask me, "What type of mood has your mother been in for the past 26 years?" I would say. "Menopausal!" I moved in with her recently to try to help out with a few things (the house is a "Sanford & Son" mess), and to keep a closer eye on her.

Let me set the scene. I've stopped cleaning and come into the kitchen to grab some fish sticks. She's already got a few on her plate, and she's also eating cold corn with tomatoes in it.


Me: Hey mom, you want some ketchup?

Her: No.

Me: Okay..... (looking at her plate, and those dry ass fish sticks) you sure? I already got it out right here.

Her: No.....I already got ketchup on my plate right here (pointing to one of the tomatoes).

Me: No. You don't have ketchup, you have a tomato there. (I'm almost laughing at this point, because I can tell that the conversation is going nowhere good, fast. In general she doesn't like to talk to me, but this day I just couldn't resist messing with her.) "And what is that anyway? (referring to the corn and tomatoes) That looks nasty.

Her: Corn and tomatoes! It's good.

Me: It looks like it taste nasty. Must be an old folks thing.

Her: MEXICANS EAT IT!

Me: (chirping cricket sound)*after a couple minutes of silence.*

Me: (noticing that her hair is wet) Did you want me to blow dry your hair for you?

Her: No thank you. It's too hot in this house I'll do it on the side of the house later.

Me: You'll do what??????

Her: Blow dry my hair...... outside....... I've done it before.

Me: You're not serious are you? (kind of' laughing) You didn't do that, did you?

Her: Yeah, right over there (pointing towards the side of the house, still eating cold corn and tomatoes). It's too hot to do that inside!

Me: I could turn the A.C. on. (At this point I’m thinking "Dang! you just got to give the neighbors something else to talk about huh!)

Her: NO! People in north Philly do it all the time. They do worse then that. Braiding hair and relaxing hair all on the front porch! (She's pissed now)

Me: *eating my fish sticks. 2 minutes of silence pass*

Her: WHAT! WHAT DID YOU SAY!

Me: What.......nothing.

Her: Oh, I thought I heard you say something smart.........You didn't say anything?

Me: No.

Her: You didn't say anything?

Me: No, but I was thinking something real hard.

Her: Oh (sitting back down in her chair). I thought I heard you say something.

Me: UhhhhhhhhhhNo!


Ahhhhh, Family dinners. Don't know why this makes me laugh so hard whenever I think about it. Really, she was about to go animal kingdom on my ass. Sometimes she just snaps and gets all dominant female on me. Usually whenever she feels threatened I suppose. Guess we got off on the wrong foot or something after the whole birth.....ere I mean cold corn and tomatoes thing. The whole scene was crazy-funny to me.



Peace

Ewwwwww!!!!!!!, Exit Stage Left.

Time for an update on the jailbird. As some of you may already know I have a friend/associate/fake-brotha' that is currently locked up for selling. If you’re not familiar with the story click here & here. A lot has happened since I’ve last written about Manny. I’m still not comfortable with the way things turned out, but I figured I owed y’all an update, so here it goes.

I never told Manny that I saw his daughter looking less then “girlie”. We talked on the phone a bunch of times and he sent a few letters, but I never told him. I read everyone’s comments regarding this issue. For the most part I agreed with y’all. I would want to know if my daughter were being mistreated too. The reasons I kept my mouth shut were…………

1. I felt like I needed to get some proof before I just started blabbing. It might have been a rare isolated incident. Kids get dirty sometimes, and maybe she had had a long day.

2. Manny is (for lack of a better word) crazy. With his personality, I could easily envision him losing it up in jail. He has a very bad……well that’s not a good word for it…..NASTY temper. He gets emotional, quickly. Not that “lets talk it out” emotional either. That “I’m gonna’ kill anyone who even ask me what’s wrong” emotional. Arguing, fighting, stabbing……. These things and more never bothered him while he was a free man. And unfortunately from what I’ve been reading in his letters & what he’s been telling me over the phone, nothing’s changed. I didn’t want him to lose it while in prison. That would have definitely put more time on his bid.


During all of this with Kay-Kay, I was busy planning and executing my move, so in all honesty I didn’t devote as much time to her as I should have. At one point early on, I did ask him for Dawns number & told him to let her know that I would be calling.

I didn’t use the number like I had planned. Instead (and yes I know it’s rude) I started to just pop by. Dawn lives kind of close to my mothers’ house so it wasn’t really hard to do. I just wanted to see how they kept Kay-Kay on an average day. Maybe the night I saw her had been a particularly hectic one.
Unfortunately, every time I went over there, nobody was home. I started to feel like a stalker. Always out there on the porch, ringing bells and discretely peeking through windows. It was frustrating. I wanted to call, but by then I had lost/packed up the paper with her phone number on it.

Between taking the test for the sheriffs department, the police dept., moving, taking care of moms, counseling sis, re-connecting (a lil’) with my dad, work. etc, etc, I was overwhelmed and tired. I know it sounds bad, but I kind of forgot about Kay-Kay.


Weeks later……….
I received a couple of letters from Manny. The first was cool. Just basic blah-blah-blah stuff. The second one started off alright, but then he got a little “too familiar”. He expressed concern that I was moving back into my mother’s house. He wrote that he didn’t like the fact that I had to budget my money. Then, and this is where things started to get yucky for me, he wrote that he wants to take care of me when he gets out. HUH?!?! At this point I’m thinking “NOT WITH YOUR SAVED UP DRUG MONEY BUDDY!” But I stopped focusing on that as I read the next few paragraphs. I don’t know what was going on in his head, but ewwwww!!!!! The things he wrote were just straight up gross. I don’t care that he was locked up when he wrote it to me. I don’t care that he hasn’t been with a woman in close to a year. The things that he said he wanted to do with me completely turned my stomach. That note…ughuckk! Talkin’ bout’ wanting to kiss me, and screw me 6 ways from Sunday. He should be ashamed of himself! Regardless of if these feelings were always there (for him)…..he should have kept them to himself. I have NEVER, EVER been interested in him sexually/physically/romantically. If anything, I always looked at him as a big brother. I can’t tell you how disgusted I was. I actually didn’t even finish reading the letter. There was no way I could - without a CSI blue light to detect if any biological fluids had come into contact with the paper. I put it down and never picked it back up!

Later on that week, I got a call from him. He told me he was in Philadelphia. He had been transferred to one of the prisons in our area, because he had a new court date/trial. We talked for a little while. He told me that he would be able to call me more often, *insert sarcastic, half assed “Yay!”* I told him that I went to Dawns house a few times to see his daughter, but never had any luck. He gave me Dawns’ number again, but told me that the phones over there were out anyway. He said that he had been trying to call for a while. We spoke about Kay-Kay, and he asked me if I had gotten his letters. I kinda’ mumbled an answer. He said that the last time he spoke to Dawn she’d mentioned that the mother was still in rehab, but that she had come to take Kay-Kay with her. Manny suspected that it was another scam of hers - aimed at getting free housing. I told him that I would try to check in again, so that I could get the full story. The automated voice came on to tell us that we had 15 more seconds, so we said our goodbyes. (Thank g-d he didn’t say anything gross during that conversation).

As soon as we got off of the phone I drove around to see if I could catch Dawn. Big surprise ….. she wasn’t there. The next day after work, I stopped by again. There were a few older kids on the porch. I introduced myself as Manny's’ friend, and asked if Dawn was in. Miracle of miracles she was actually in.
We talked for a while. I told her that Manny had been trying to get in touch with her to check on his child. Specifically, to find out whether or not the mother had taken her to the rehabilitation center to live with her. Dawn explained that, yes

“Kay-Kay is staying with her mother during the weekdays, and Mans sister is keeping her on the weekends. Her mother is keeping Kay-Kay to help her get a home through some type of welfare program.”


For the most part Dawn doesn’t even watch Kay any more. I asked if there was anything that I could do. And she said no. She asked me how Manny was doing. I told her that he was fine, but that he just missed his daughter. I asked her if there was another number that I could give Manny and she gave me her cell number. I gave her my number in return, and thanked her for coming out to meet me. She seemed like a nice person. ( I felt like such a social worker). The inside of the house was cool. She doesn’t even really watch Kay that much any more, and there’s nothing I can really do, but pray.

The stress of worrying about someone else’s child, and trying to digest the fact that my one-time play big brother is now using my image when he “rubs one out”, is just too much for me right now. I relayed all of the vital information to Manny, and that was that.
I am taking this opportunity to exit the whole situation.



Peace

Hey!

As much as I would love to post something today, I can't. Work has been crazy. I know a lot of you can relate to that. I just wanted y'all to know that I didn't forget about you. I will have something up by tomorrow, I PROMISE!


Peace

Wow!

I got to work on time today, and it DIDN'T kill me.

Go figure.

Nothing Even Matters

This has been a crazy week for me. I feel like I’ve been on an emotional roller-coaster. Mom, MEN, grandma, friends, ex-friends, kids, WORK, arghhhh! I’ve been really stressed out. More so than usual, haha! It seems like I just can’t get myself out of this funk. Everything’s getting to be a little too much.


In other news.... I bust my ass, AGAIN! Totally forgot that I'm now sleeping on a twin instead of a queen mattress. After waking up early to chase one of my mothers' cats (really, she's a dog trapped in a cats body) out of my room, I sat down on my bed, closed my eyes.......and leaned back ........................... ...... ONTO NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!
Rolled right the fuck off the side of the bed. Wouldn't have been so bad if the bed wasn't so high off of the floor. And of course (with my wonderous luck) there is no carpet in my room. Managed to keep one foot on the bed as I rolled off though. LOL! Yeah, nothing's going right.

Hope y'all are having a better week than me.



Peace