Summertime Roaches

Yes ladies! They’re a comin’.
And by roaches, I mean all the broke, tired, mentally unstable, love you after a week, looking for someone to take care of their lazy asses, can’t take no for an answer, let me hold $20 I’ll pay you back when I “re-up”, men! They’ve started with me already. Oh yes, this week I was accosted by a particularly persistent roach.

Monday, I’m sitting at work when this guy named Sean just pops in on me. He’s some bug I met a couple of years ago. He quickly turned into a p/t phone associate after I discovered he was a pain in the ass, with a penchant for begging. Let me tell you, since I’ve known him, this dude has done nothing but beg. He’s begged me for food, begged for money and begged for ass. I let him in my house one time and that turned out to be one time too many. First off, this dipshit came up in my apartment and went through every room. Every door that I had closed… he opened. Yes, bathroom, bedroom, closets! Was I giving tours? F*** no! When I asked him the reason for his rude & unusual behavior, he said, “Oh yeah I had to check to make sure that you didn’t have anyone waiting to jack me”. Ha! Yeah right. This dude just cased my apartment. When I finally got him out, I realized I was missing an earring. Needless to say, he never got invited back. Anyway, let’s get back to the present. Like I said, I’m sitting at work minding my business and he walks in, like he holds stock with the company or something. Now I haven’t heard from him in a while, and that’s a blessing. I thought he was out of state, or up-state or something. He looked at me and said “Damn, can I get a hug or something. You act like you're not happy to see me.” I was stuck on stupid, because I never told him exactly where I work. Never gave him permission to come to my job, and in general I am disgusted by his essence (I know, I’m overly dramatic). So anyway, I smile, and play nice, figuring that he’s just passing through, and will be gone soon. Naw, I couldn’t have been farther from the truth. He settled into one of the chairs and spent the next 3 hours explaining that he was back in town for the day, blah, blah, blah, and, can he hold my car right quick? ............................................................………………………………………………………………………………………………………............... *insert that screeching sound*
"What? Hell no you can’t hold my car!" He proceeds to beg and plead and bargain with me, like I know him like that. Then he cops an attitude like “S***, well I’m about to be out then. Any other girl would be happy to lend me their car. Where I was at, I had girls throwin’ money at me. They wanted to buy me cars.” Needless to say, I was laughin’ as I escorted him to the exit. When he got to the door, he turned around and said, “You know I’m only in Philly for one night?” As if that would thaw my heart. Ha! I just went back to my office. Men……If I’ve known you for a couple of years, and I’ve done nothing but tell you I’m not interested. Then popping up at my job is not going to make me magically want to give you things that I value. This includes my car and my goodies (duh). Anyway he finally leaves. I spray the chair he was sitting in with Fabreeze, and all is right with the world again. Or so I thought.

Wednesday, I’m coming back from the supermarket when my phone rings. It’s like 10:00pm and I’m tired. It’s Sean, telling me to come outside and meet him at some corner store. Like that’s just something to do. I haven’t done that shit for a dude since the summer of my 15th year. I say “Why would I do that?” He replies that he “wants to see me.”

Please, please, please keep in mind that I hardly know him. Never went on a date, never been to his house (cause I didn’t feel like meeting his momma, lol), haven’t slept with him, barely gave him a hug when I was cool with him, and most importantly…. hardly even talk to him anymore.
I say “No!” and mumble something about having to be at work by 6am as I hang up the phone and fall on my bed. An hour & ½ later he’s calling my phone again. Asking me if he could “sleep over” at my place, because he had “no other place to go”.

Can you guess what my answer was?

Do you think that stopped him? No! He was totally ready for that answer, and he seemed to be prepared with a list of rebuttals. He stated that he could sleep on my sofa (I kept thinking bout that Rick James skit). Could wake up early, would get us breakfast, and wouldn’t ask for any ass, blah, blah, blah. I had to cut him off. He told me that he would just "Go to a hotel then". I said “Yes, I think that would be best.” And banged.
*It’s hard to bang on someone when you have a cell phone. They can’t really get the full effect of how mad you are, but I was pissed.*

Anyway that’s my April Roach story. Knowing me there will be a May story coming up soon. Dumb-asses, lunies, and weirdo’s are drawn to me for some g-d forsaken reason. And like real roaches, they only get worse in the summertime. Other women should be warm in the knowledge that, if I’m in your general area (say the same country) roaches will be drawn to me, and away from them.


Note to any male readers: This is not a post against all men. It's just a warning against the ones that crawl on their bellies.


Peace!